Reflections of a Man's Heart

Flying to Krakow this night: 22:00 flight departing from BCN.

So, there we go!

See you all in a pair of weeks...

^^

This Monday it was 4 weeks since SW arrived home.

So far, everything ok for both

^^

Not many conflicts.

What's more important, most (all?) of them handled satisfactorily. And, we both understand that there is no need to agree in many cases...

Have to say I think conflicts are not bad, but rather a *real need*. No conflicts tends to mean there's a dead corpse around - maybe two.

It is problems what are a bad thing. Properly and courageously handled, conflicts need not become problems.

But that does not mean one knows how to handle all conflicts, nor that one has the courage to do so...

...

We are talking very clearly about how to keep our relation alive. At this moment the most reasonable think seems to be for SW to come here in 2 to 6 months, and then to stay here one year. Working on that...

We are no boys, and distance is a real relationship-killer -as we have experienced and acknowledged ourselves.

I love SW's sincerity and courage. Precious things, sweetie. *Really* love your courage. I understand how difficult moving here is for you.

...

I have to confess that I am kind of perplexed, to say the least -positively perplexed ^^

Look, sweetie, I'm starting to get frightened by the absence both of trouble and of a growing list of "can't talk about that - will resent it later" issues.

Feel a bit like when I see no trace of the bad guys for a while in those John Wayne's westerns. They *must* surely be just at the other side of the hill ^^

...

Hmm

Not good I write only about problems, even if it is to say we handle them ok

So, I better make a list of good things ^^

Like the sincerity in our relation

Or the courage to talk about everything, especially those things mom told me not to talk about in polite company.

And no gossip-based conversation, thanks to God!

We understand we have different tastes and preferences -and that this is not just ok, but a good thing.

And SW really helps me with lots of housework - ouch. Ok, I'm aware that is a slippery thing, not good if she becomes 'the housewife'

I do my best to share time with her. Really!

We do our best for her friends to visit us, as Sung-Mi did...

And she started to learn Spanish. Thanks, sweetie, but take it easy: no need to run.

...

And Monday was 9 months since we met first time. I was so deadly tired that we couldn't celebrate as I would have liked (sob!). Finishing work at 22:00 every day, really tired.

Whateve, I've got a cab and went to the only flower store open all night in BCN, before coming back home.

You really deserve that, sweetie.

사랑해

Since nothing surpasses
seeing you,
no need for words.
Only concentrate on this,
on this . . .

- Izumi Shikibu

Weaving thoughts
of cotton -
summer solstice woman.

What lives in the lake
filled with a blue
that has no name?

- Kimiko Itami

Crepe myrtle!
Isn't there a man
who will give himself
up to me
to be ruined?

- Ei Akitsu

There is a solitude of space
A solitude of sea
A solitude of death, but these
Society shall be
Compared with that profounder site
That polar privacy
A soul admitted to itself -
Finite infinity

-Emily Dickinson

Fireworks, fireworks
watching them together -
one sees only the flash
the other,
the darkness.

- Machi Tawara

Each Life Converges to some Centre -
Expressed - or still -
Exists in every Human Nature
A Goal -

Embodied scarcely to itself -it may be-
Too fair
For Credibility's presumption
To mar -

Adored with caution - as a Brittle Heaven
To reach
Were hopeless, as the Rainbow's Raiment
To Touch -

Yet persevered toward - sure - for the Distance -
How high -
Unto the Saint's slow diligence -
The Sky -

Ungained - it may be - by a Life's Low Venture -
But then -
Eternity enable the endeavoring
Again.

- Emily Dickinson, The Works of Love

To be alive - is Power -
Existence - in itself -
Without a further function -
Omnipotence - Enough -

To be alive - and Will!
'Tis able as a God -
The Maker - of Ourselves - be what -
Such being Finitude!

- Emily Dickinson, The Works of Love

It's being a really crazy weekend. And not because it is being funny, full of surprises, or something like that...

I have those two articles to write, and I start those classes about testing applications next week, and just have this weekend to prepare.

I can probably postpone one article without much damage (ehem!), but the other things I have to do, yes or yes.

Worst following the worst, I found one of those roadblocks while writing the first article. A subtle bug in the middle of a 100.000 lines programming library I could not debug through. Gosh!

So I spent all evening blocked, completely disoriented. Yes, I confess. I think that, at other time in my life, I would have thrown away the monitor by the window, because of the stress -after checking nobody is walking eight floors below ^^

Felt really, really lost. Or "low-pot", as SW and I use to say when we feel down.

Whatever, amazingly, I managed not to despair.

When SW arrived home from the airport, where she accompanied Sung Mi, all I needed was to be "hugged-no-words-no-questions-asked".

Really, truly, I longed for that.

^^

Well, it is quite a feat to say "I need to be hugged no-words *now*, sweetie" for an INTJ guy like me. Or for any man, at that.

Had a very funny conversation about MBTI personality types with SM and SW the other day. Both being FP (idealistic, for short), and I being an NT (rational, for short), it was mostly interesting.

Most of it revolved around the fact that they think we NTs (perhaps especially men?), are a bit of a 'disaster' with feelings, always demanding some "rational" explanation (perhaps demoting the expression of feelings to "spicy incidents" at best, or "proof of inmaturity" at worst?).

I mostly agreed with them. One feels like one feels, and explaining feelings just doesn't work in many cases. So when NTs start to demand "sense", the whole things enters into a self-reinforcing downwards spiral. All while the NTs looks at it all surprised by the "ilogical" spiral.

This makes things hard for FPs, because to them the request to explain their feelings 'rationaly' is almost an expression of dissaproval. As one of them said, "It hurts".

I think that, in relationships, and especially in love, one has to communicate 50% in its native vocabulary (perhaps thinking), and 50% in the other's vocabulary (perhaps feeling). This includes the need to give to the other what he/she needs, no matter it looks inapropriate or strange -or, worse, foolish.

So, if ssomebody needs to hear "I love you". . . please, don't write a treaty on how romantic love is an invention of the victorian age, or on how other cultures just separate marriage, sex and romantic love to avoid some problems.

That is probably true...but is not what's needed.

Whatever, I hope I succeeded to explain that NTs express love in a very different way. For example, we might give autonomy as proof of love, whereas for others this might mean disinterest.

So what might be needed is a way to change the way to express what is already there with the vocabulary the other part understands. And to understand that what might be happening is just a mismatch in communication about the relationship, not in the relation itself.

Actually, I think many problems in relationships are caused by the expectation that the right way to be is the way we happen to be inclined to, whether, thinking, or feeling or whatever. At work, you can just ignore many of these things, but in love this can be devastating...

...

Ha ha, what a rambling!

...

Whatever, saying SW "I need no-words-long-hug sweetie" was exactly what was needed. And it worked ^^

So, instead of getting crazy and fight an uphill battle against the program code, I got my hug, then we had supper, lots of conversation, and got to bed after that, instead of burning the midnight oil.

When I got back to work this morning, things just fell into place. Made a list of the choices I had (hey, I'm a really serious INTJ!), and found a solution, moving forward - even as new problems appeared

So far, so good.

^^

Got the soundtrack from "Code 46". Liked the movie!

Now I'm hearing again and again "Kocham Cie", "Shangai" and "Platform 23"...