Reflections of a Man's Heart

It's being a really crazy weekend. And not because it is being funny, full of surprises, or something like that...

I have those two articles to write, and I start those classes about testing applications next week, and just have this weekend to prepare.

I can probably postpone one article without much damage (ehem!), but the other things I have to do, yes or yes.

Worst following the worst, I found one of those roadblocks while writing the first article. A subtle bug in the middle of a 100.000 lines programming library I could not debug through. Gosh!

So I spent all evening blocked, completely disoriented. Yes, I confess. I think that, at other time in my life, I would have thrown away the monitor by the window, because of the stress -after checking nobody is walking eight floors below ^^

Felt really, really lost. Or "low-pot", as SW and I use to say when we feel down.

Whatever, amazingly, I managed not to despair.

When SW arrived home from the airport, where she accompanied Sung Mi, all I needed was to be "hugged-no-words-no-questions-asked".

Really, truly, I longed for that.

^^

Well, it is quite a feat to say "I need to be hugged no-words *now*, sweetie" for an INTJ guy like me. Or for any man, at that.

Had a very funny conversation about MBTI personality types with SM and SW the other day. Both being FP (idealistic, for short), and I being an NT (rational, for short), it was mostly interesting.

Most of it revolved around the fact that they think we NTs (perhaps especially men?), are a bit of a 'disaster' with feelings, always demanding some "rational" explanation (perhaps demoting the expression of feelings to "spicy incidents" at best, or "proof of inmaturity" at worst?).

I mostly agreed with them. One feels like one feels, and explaining feelings just doesn't work in many cases. So when NTs start to demand "sense", the whole things enters into a self-reinforcing downwards spiral. All while the NTs looks at it all surprised by the "ilogical" spiral.

This makes things hard for FPs, because to them the request to explain their feelings 'rationaly' is almost an expression of dissaproval. As one of them said, "It hurts".

I think that, in relationships, and especially in love, one has to communicate 50% in its native vocabulary (perhaps thinking), and 50% in the other's vocabulary (perhaps feeling). This includes the need to give to the other what he/she needs, no matter it looks inapropriate or strange -or, worse, foolish.

So, if ssomebody needs to hear "I love you". . . please, don't write a treaty on how romantic love is an invention of the victorian age, or on how other cultures just separate marriage, sex and romantic love to avoid some problems.

That is probably true...but is not what's needed.

Whatever, I hope I succeeded to explain that NTs express love in a very different way. For example, we might give autonomy as proof of love, whereas for others this might mean disinterest.

So what might be needed is a way to change the way to express what is already there with the vocabulary the other part understands. And to understand that what might be happening is just a mismatch in communication about the relationship, not in the relation itself.

Actually, I think many problems in relationships are caused by the expectation that the right way to be is the way we happen to be inclined to, whether, thinking, or feeling or whatever. At work, you can just ignore many of these things, but in love this can be devastating...

...

Ha ha, what a rambling!

...

Whatever, saying SW "I need no-words-long-hug sweetie" was exactly what was needed. And it worked ^^

So, instead of getting crazy and fight an uphill battle against the program code, I got my hug, then we had supper, lots of conversation, and got to bed after that, instead of burning the midnight oil.

When I got back to work this morning, things just fell into place. Made a list of the choices I had (hey, I'm a really serious INTJ!), and found a solution, moving forward - even as new problems appeared

So far, so good.

^^

Got the soundtrack from "Code 46". Liked the movie!

Now I'm hearing again and again "Kocham Cie", "Shangai" and "Platform 23"...