Reflections of a Man's Heart

Yesterday I helped a friend move to a new home... So, I go there to help just a bit.

In the end, when I arrived, it was mostly done...

He is a really good guy, funny and lively. And he is a hard worker, really keeps promises, and all those things my mother loves. A really good guy.

And, today, I talk with other friend, an old time friend. A good guy too...

Nice to hear from him ^^


But I couldn't feel completely comfortable with both conversations, even if I really like and love them, and enjoyed the conversation.

I realized it was due to the fact that they couldn't listen to my *feelings*.

When I started to talk about what happens in my heart, what happens with my ex-girlfriend, they can't even *sense* the need I have to be listened to.

Today I talked with an ex-girflfriend for almost an hour. She says "my boyfriend tells me that, for a year and a half, his dog offers better emotional support than all of his friends".

We laugh a lot. I bet the dog was *much* better...

Oh, and she can listen (my ex, not the dog!).

And, of course, I reciprocate. At least, I try to.


Hmm. I wonder what happens with us men.

Why can't we really listen? Perhaps because, in most cultures, it is women who are raised as "nurturers", and men as "providers"?

To be fair, I don't know.


And that is a really bad thing, for both: the person that needs to be listened, and the person listening.

I *always* find that when I really listen, trying to connect to feelings, being non judgmental, I not only help, but I myself share the relief. It is great (but reeeeally difficult).

And the relation is always enriched. *Always*.

I will not pretend I can listen very well, anyway.


Oh. And we never seem to be able to say 'help'. I've seen really good friends suffer and pretend everything is ok.

And, I didn't even notice in some cases (yes, I'm a man, right ^^). Later, when I say 'why didn't you tell me', they look puzzled. Huh?

There we are, while the ship sinks, pretending nothing is going on...

Perhaps we think expressing of listening to words such as 'love' or 'pain', or 'loneliness' will ruin our sex life, or something like that...


I wonder whether I'll see this change in my lifetime...

Hmm.

Yesterday I met her again by Messenger.

Oh, God.

I couldn't believe what happened...how much miscommunication we had past Friday.

It is amazing how much bad communication can hurt good people. I felt it was all completely over. And I think the same happened to her.

I'm not sure where we stand now, but sure as hell I want we have a future.


And...we really need a way to avoid miscommunication, a way to check what was the intended meaning of what was said...

It is so common to get tangled because one uses a word in one way, and the other receives that word as if it meant something entirely different...

And, when one starts to make interpretations without checking back, things go awry really fast.

I hope we can work that out...

Yes. Time to work about communication.

While re-reading "The road not taken: A New Psychology of Love...", I happened to look for the road not taken around, and rediscovered this inspiring poem by Robert Frost...

The road not taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

Beautiful.

Taking the road less traveled...

^^

And, yeees, "The road not taken: A New Psychology of Love..." is a really good book...

I am the guy in the photo at the very beginning of the page.

I love being a sweeeet white hippopotamus.

And, do you know what? My flesh is made of the very same material clouds are.

I think dad calls it angel's feathers...

Obviously, old ladies love me. I think even Rosalind would coooo...

^^

The other guy, the one with the blue sweater, is my dad.

He's a great guy, to be sure...

But he should grow a bit.

As of lately, many things have happened to me...

Now, I have lots of things to think about.

Writing a blog seems not to be a bad idea...

...

Not sure what I think, but pretty sure about some things...

I tend to think that you are what you do...

That knowing what you really do is not easy...

Much less for the others...

That we can disagree...

That the purpose of life is not being right, but being loving...

I believe that heart, soul, mind, body are a continuum. Truly.

That we need urgently a word to refer to all of them as the unique and wonderful thing they are. Human Being comes to mind.

I believe that there is not much bad people, but rather lots of bad communication...

That power and money can be a curse... as well as a blessing.

That acts of love are always acts of work or courage, or they aren't acts of love...

That we need urgently different words for love-the-feeling, and love-the work, the love that is work, courage, listening...

That love-the-feeling without work is a mirage. That love-the-work without the feeling is like sand in your mouth...

That you must embrace both of them. Both.

I firmly believe this: that hands tell much more than words...

That we have the mandate to feel, think and act as congruently as possible...

That God did make us, you and me, something different to a chair because of a reason...

I believe that there must be a very strong reason why we can't talk with our heart in our hands about sex...

..and that it is probably a bad reason, something that very ignorant shepherds needed to survive back then

That compassion makes us stronger, rather than weaker...

That, surprisingly, sometimes less is more...

That investing in women education in third world countries is a priority... Men simply don't care enough.

That you are mostly what you can't talk about...

Don't you notice how the limits of your vocabulary are the limits of your thinking? I do

I believe that life is short...

That most things do not really matter...

That we must traverse this short lapse of time and space that is life fast, fast... Like arrows sent into oblivion by the Great Archer, we must traverse this life setting fire to the sky.

That our mandate is to try for a moment to be brighter than the brightest star ^^


I believe that the opposite of love is fear, not hatred.

That knowing what's important is hard, really hard.

That too often we care about what is urgent, neglecting what is necessary...

That we must carry the future with us...

That our loved ones are not ours...

That combing her black strong hair is the sweetest things on Earth... That just that can justify this crazy world of us.

I believe in You, that read these words...

...

To 우리아기

If you read this, never forget that 사랑해

You see, I started to learn you language... That crazy western of you!. Real work, as in our dream ^^

But we arrived to a crossroad, my life, and will never meet again.

Will you let me choose the road less traveled this time?

Don't worry if I stay here for a while, looking at you fade in the horizon...

Everything is gonna be all right...

May God bless you.

Find somebody in that crazy country of you that loves and cares about you...

Then insist... until he combs your black hair. Until he picks some flowers for you.

Farewell, my blood, my life... I will miss your black eyes.

^^

This comes from a blog I happened to share with my ex-girlfriend...

And, those words I wrote for her, but not just because she was the one who would be listening...

I feel they deserve being expressed openly

1. Love must be expressed.

I mean explicitly expressed.

Expression need not words. Expression can be buying candy to her, even if you are fifty. Not even, but *especially*...

And, use your hands. Words are not enough. Take her hands, comb her hair...

2. Love must be expressed partly with your vocabulary. Because this means that you are present.

And it must be expressed partly with the other's vocabulary. Because this means that she is present in your mind/heart/soul.

And, by "other's vocabulary" I mean: if she loves flowers, and you think it is not needed to express it that way (as many of us men believe)...go buy her flowers. Love is about listening...

Believe me, if you can express it with her/his vocabulary, you've being listening. that is tough, and a good proof of love rather than necessity being present...

Let me repeat that: Love is about listening, not just hearing. Listening. No listening, no love. Really.

3. Freely expressing love engenders more love.

4. Be yourself: be authentic.

Especially, do not adapt your message to promote yourself.

5. Let the other be her/himself, to be authentic.

Especially, do not demand self-promotion to your mate, among other things.

6. Nobody is perfect. Understand that. Then, strive for perfection anyway.

Yes. You can't be perfect, but you must act as if you didn't knew that. Then, after a long day, you just go to sleep not feeling bad for not being perfect. Do not tell that is not logical.

You already knew this is not to be logical blog if you arrived here...

Your mate happens to be human, too, so this is a two-way street.

7. Amazingly, loving yourself makes other love you more -and themselves. Therefore, love yourself.

Loving others means loving yourself. If you don't love yourself, you won't be able to love others. Really.

8. Love is work. Give yourself the time needed to nurture love.

Share some time with the person you love, nurture her.

Don't you work 8 hours a day (or more!) even when you don't feel like it?

Yes, working is urgent...but loving is necessary. Big difference ^^.

Let's say this more clearly: love *is* work, or that is not love.

9. When you are about to fight, when you can't clearly talk about your needs, when... take her hands and look upon her eyes.

You will discover it is impossible to fight or lie while holding her hands ^^

Believe me, words are not that important. Hands always say the truth...

I am sad we men don't know how important that is. For us too!

10. Understand that being two separate persons, with different needs and wants, is not something to be afraid of.

On the contrary, it is an amazing opportunity to grow much more, for now you can learn and love so many new things...

How lucky to be able to see things so differently through her eyes. Like having four hands or eyes to aprehend the world ^^

11. Give yourselves permission to disagree.

Love is not about always agreeing, but about always listening and caring. That will naturally make you agree in most things, so don't worry.

12. Never, ever make being in love be worse than not being in love.

I know that is not easy, but if you accomplish that, love will be self-sustaining.

13. This merits being repeated: love must be clearly expressed.

...

I have to confess that I decided the title after finding the "Reflection's of a Woman's Heart" blog.

There you will find a lively, colourful and thought-out blog...

Thanks for the beautiful name, Rosalind !

^^